he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize