I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
