dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
