DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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