life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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