the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
