So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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