We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just puked most of my soul out..
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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