i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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