yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
