plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
