my room smells like sperm. sweet.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
