Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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