Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
