i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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