First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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