he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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