you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
