yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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