1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
home. puking in laundry basket.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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