living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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