just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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