Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
