listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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