Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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