maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
