i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Still dying that you shit outside
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
