It was confusing and full of hummus
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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