what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
