I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I can't put those talents on a resume
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
