How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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