when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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