I met the friendliest cop last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
