I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Randomize
