life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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