When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
