Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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