did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
