So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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