They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
