my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
