Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize