so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The air was thick with penises
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
