I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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