Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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