4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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