I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
