You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
