Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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