i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
