I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
