Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
