So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
