Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
