I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
