i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
