Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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