In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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