There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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