Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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