I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
