I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
